What If NFL Franchises Were Organized By Their Mascot?


As a child I found it very strange that the Cincinnati Bengals were not in the same division or conference even as the Detroit Lions or Carolina Panthers. Shouldn’t the ‘big cat’ mascotted (made that word up) teams be in the same division? Shouldn’t big cats be organized with other big cats? Why aren’t the Philadelphia Eagles in the same division as the Baltimore Ravens, or Seattle Seahawks? It didn’t make sense to my young, child mind.

(Source: Wikipedia)

(Source: Wikipedia)

Basically, my childhood OCD of trying to organize similar things together is coming out in full force today, but I’m going to go ahead and reorganize the divisions (and conferences) based upon their mascots because why not? If the divisions end up being more competitive looking than current ones I am going to send this straight to Roger Goodell (because, you know, he totally cares about the league). (I’m also going to ignore travel restraints and pretend that we have developed high-speed transport when travelling from the West Coast to East Coast; vice-versa).

Here is the current division breakdown in case you forget which teams are in which division.

Here is the new division breakdown:

Animal Kingdom Football Conference

Big Cat Division

Carolina Panthers

Cincinnati Bengals

Detroit Lions

Jacksonville Jaguars

Bulky Quadruped Division

Buffalo Bills

Chicago Bears

Denver Broncos

St. Louis Rams

Misc. Animals

Arizona Cardinals

Cleveland Browns (They’re ‘dawgs’ right?)

Indianapolis Colts

Miami Dolphins

Soaring Division

Atlanta Falcons

Baltimore Ravens

Philadelphia Eagles

Seattle Seahawks (Seahawk = Osprey)

Human Constructs Football Conference

All-American Division

Houston Texans

New England Patriots

New York Jets* (Rationale below)

San Francisco 49ers

Extra Humanoids/One Insensitive Name Division

Green Bay Packers

Kansas City Chiefs

Pittsburgh Steelers

Washington Redskins

Mythical Division

New Orleans Saints

New York Giants

San Diego Chargers

Tennessee Titans

Pillager Division

Dallas Cowboys

Minnesota Vikings

Oakland Raiders

Tampa Bay Buccaneers

 *I put the New York Jets in the ‘All-American Division’ because [Fighter] Jets = military, and when I think military I think ‘MERICA.

Which division do you think would be the most competitive this way? Which teams do you think should be slightly shuffled? Let me know in the comments.

I think the ‘Big Cat Division’ would be competitive (minus the Jaguars of course), as well as the ‘Soaring Division.’ The ‘Extra Humanoids’ could also be competitive and fun to watch. The names of the conferences could use some work, they don’t flow as well as saying ‘AFC’ or ‘NFC.’

Advertisements